The Drugs And Scars Are Like Fireworks And Magic

For you to stop me....

( I'm commiting the sin... )

After a month I thought I was getting better...

Obviously I was just hiding. I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while.

( look past the harlot I've become.... )

( The taste of his orange chap stick... )

( I wish it could all make me better.  )

( I can't resist you... )

So....

( Open Me Like A Xmas Pressie! )

I've found a cool blog. I totally get what (I'm guessing...) she is totally saying!

find her on...

thegirlintheredshoes.blogspot.com

She goes by the name of Girl In The Red Shoes.

Loves xxx

velvetine_gunn

I had one of the worst nights and best nights last night.

I fell in love with a boy... lets call him...M. It's totally cliche but it was love at first sight. That was over a year ago. Last night my world crashed around me when his best friend pretty much confirmed that I wasn't good enough for him.

I hate who I am. It's like my heart is a bluetooth, but someone forgot to tick the box that says I can recieve real love. I'm missing that part, the one that makes me worth something, knowing and maybe even being with.

I only have a few friends...true friends. Ones that will stay up with me till 5am listening to me. Letting me cry. Telling me they love me and will always be there for me. But I feel like I should be strong, I should be helping them. I can deal right? I need someone to have faith in me and let me know I'm strong and brave. I'm not just that messed up, insecure little girl in the red dress waiting for someone to hold her and not use her. I'm not the teenager who hides behind laughter, even when they call her names. I'm not the victim of a man who took my virginity and left with my heart. I'm not the woman who woke up black and blue after her girlfriend told her she was beautiful inbetween slaps and bites. But I'm all those and its killing me slowly that I will never just be the girl. I'll just end up the girl who couldn't work without the missing part, the one in hell screaming for innocence.

I don’t know how I got myself to this point.
I’m about to lose my virginity to her, let her ride me to ecstasy.
The date… cinema. Her hand found mine, mine shook within her soft grasp.
The ride home… she lent over to kiss me good night. Her rose pink lips, lush and full teased my thinner ones. Her tongue caressed my lips until I granted entrance, her poker hot muscle soft and delicious.
The point of ecstasy… She asked me in for coffee, red lips caressing my jaw swollen from the kiss. I nodded in conformation, her lips seeking lower. Kissing that spot behind my ear. I finally allowed my body to catch up with my head and moved my hand to her heart, it beat so hard under the skin like it wanted to explode from beneath its confinement of bones and flesh. She gasped against my pulse within my neck, a moan ripping itself from her own throat. Her left hand moved from my thigh and up my t-shirt to where my own racing heart lay. “Lets go in” She gasped as I kissed the dip below her throat. Her voice had changed from light and giggly to something deep and husk. Almost like honey on gravel. We made our way to her door, kissing and caressing skin and lips. Clothes dropped around us in the hall, shoes fell from feet until we found ourselves in her room. I sat up against the head board, soft plump pillows held my back away from wrought iron headboard. My body felt so exposed, nothing but the black material covered my manhood. She sat on my thighs, the soft feel of her stockings rubbed against me, her moist inner thighs quivered beneath my hands as I licked my way down her chest. Her bra lost in the fumble up the stairs to her room. “Are you sure hun?” She asked her tone light and genuine.
“Yes, I love you” The smile I received was neither a smirk nor seductive, her eyes wide and curious. I could feel the black cotton tighten above my hardening muscle. She glanced down and bit her lip between her beautiful white teeth, the thick flesh slowly pulling itself back. I looked into her eyes and saw black over take dark green hazel eyes I loved to stare into. She climbed from my lap and rolled the silk stockings from her legs revealing pure white satin soft pins, faded red lines traveled along them from previous sins. I could see the red blush staining her cheeks as she saw me look at them, I couldn’t speak so I just held out my hand to gesture her back to me as small smile graced my lips. Before she climbed back into my lap, she hocked her fingers into the elasticity top of my underwear and in one swift motion had pulled them down. My now fully erect cock bouncing out. Her gasp scared me but as I looked up I could see the hunger in her eyes and the quiver in her lip. “Baby?” I asked curiosity getting the better of me. She looked up at me from beneath her lashes and I nearly came right there. She leaned up and placed the foil square in my hand and kisses my lips so lightly. I couldn’t help but fumble with the packet, my finger sweaty and my pulse racing too hard.
“It’s ok, slow hun. Take it slow.” She smiled and I visibly relaxed. From there I pulled the latex from the package and rolled it down my member. She moved up my thighs and kissed me so loving and passionately. I pulled her close and as the kiss spiraled, she sank so slowly onto my cock. She stayed still as she got half way down and even though it was the worst form of torture I wouldn’t force her down “Hun, your massive. I’m sorry, I need a moment to adjust.” She smiled but a remorse flashed across her face. I looked down, my hands on her hips and I could see my cock slowly disappearing inside. I thought I was small but I must be bigger than average if she had to stop. Her hand that lay on my shoulder moved up into the hair just at the base of my neck , twirling the small hairs there slowly. I kissed her deeply, to show her it was ok. My muscle felt like it had just entered a vice. I could smell her sent from where I sat and I could feel the moistness off her thighs onto mine. She took a deep breath and lowered herself completely, gasping and shaking slightly.
“Babe….please?” I could only beg then, all thoughts and fears abandoned as she began to ride me slowly. Her back arched and her muscles contracted around me. I knew I couldn’t last long then. She came as soon as the thought left my head. She came violently around me, I spilt everything I have in that moment of pure ecstasy. Chest to chest, hip to hip and shuddering out “I love you’s”. She almost felt back, I caught her and pulled us both down under the covers. She wriggled, both of us gasping as my cock moved inside her. “ I love you Sarah”. Her sleepy smile made me blush.
“Love you too M. Forever.”.

Well...it's nearly been a full week and I think I'm changing.

But is it really a new me or just the same old me with a new bow?

I wana have fun and flirt and be me!!!

I don't think I'm doing a good job, I think I'm just starting to annoy people.

I hate myself inside and the bow is starting to slide,
I wana be free of the pain I dont wana hide my pain.
I wana see the world with bight blue skies,
I need to open my eyes to the reality your giving me.
Alone...Alone in the mess and the tide.
I feel the sun on my face,
The rain is pouring down my face.
Alone...alone in the distress and puddles
of these tears.
The weather forcasts it, the woman tells me this.
Alone...Alone.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

I broke up with my girlfriend this morning...1am to be exact.

I couldn't take the drinking anymore. The hurt, the pain. Mental. Physical.

She's gone, from my room and from my life and for the first time in....a very long time I smiled.

I'm selfish I know but... I'm happy. I miss her and I still love her but I'm...me at last.

I'm alone but I know in the long run I'll be ok. I have my friends back at last and I have my family. I will be ok.

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it to LJ with this text in the and tag the friends you want to do this next!

Tagged: I don't care. XD Everyone I'd tag is probably already tagged, but by all means, if you wanna do it, go ahead.

I'm afraid. I am actually scared of my partner.

She got drunk again tonight. She's said things before, she's hurt me before but I am starting to get scared.

She... betrayed my trust. I can't trust her and that's what scares me. If I can't trust her then I might aswell go back to HIM. I thought it was getting better, I thought I was being good and therefore she was rewarding me. I've tried, I buy her things and lend her money. I go where she says, I do as she says I AM who she says to be. I can't trust her though. She made me feel guilty because I knew she was drunk so I didn't speak to her. Know she's in my bed and a sleep while I stay awake in pain.

She won't remember in the morning. I don't bruise easily. My own skin doesn't even prove anything.
She'll think I've had a nightmare when I won't touch her. I'll just carry on. I'll just be hers. Forever and Always.

Hey!

Ive just tried to log into fd.net and it goes straight through to Nettogo.net....anyone know why?

Vee xx

velvetine-gunn.livejournal.com/

Title: Ipod Shuffle
Author: Velvetine_gunn
Rating: Nc-17 (Smex)
Pairing: Matt/Jimmy
Summary: A random drabble of a series of events and thoughts
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No harm is intended to those in the story, and of their personal lives.
Authours Note: Something to get me back into writing. Please rread and review.




“Stay With Me Don't Fall Asleep To Soon The Angels Can Wait For A Moment”

I lay in bed each night, those words flowing through my mind. Each night so familiar I ached from the thought. Bed. Undress. Fuck. Sleep. But I could never do that, just go to sleep. It’s always worse when he falls to sleep first. As always. His long slim body wrapped around my slightly bigger frame. Blue eyes closed. Hair hanging just in front of his eyes. Each night a tear slips from my eye, begging you to hear the words. Each night I lay awake waiting.

Give me an evening, or give me a night.
I'll show you the time, of your life.
I'll walk you home safe, from the dark.
I'll give you my jacket, I'll give you my heart.
But she won't come dancing tonight, She's having the time of her life.

“So what we up to tonight babe?” I ask already really knowing the answer but I live in hope…die in despair.

“I’ve gotta go see a friend…can you drop me off?” He says, lining his bright blue eyes. The one’s that never seem to sparkle for me.

“Sure…” My voice dropped low. Eye’s full of unshed tears.

“Didn’t think you’d want to come…not your scene.” I obey and grab my key’s.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

Thank you. Thank you for saving me from him. How did you see it was going to end like that? Do your blue eyes see so much more of the world than my hazel? You saved my life, and what ever was left of my heart. Now it’s all yours. Be careful though, it’s woven together with silver and gold; dreams, hopes and fears interlaced. Please keep it safe.




Oh!
I'm into you,
And girl,
No one else would do,
'cause with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I know I can't be the only one,
I bet there heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of their life who feels..
What I feel when I'm…

The stress got a little much for me lately, my sister offered to take me away but I know I’ll miss you like my hearts cut out. One day till I leave and I feel… for the first time in a while I actually feel something.

It’s so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head,
It’s even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong.
Your bed swallow’s you whole
As the days bleed together
Torment on the lips of a loved one
And if you try hard enough
You can almost taste her
Feel her pass and scream oh god why me
You would rather bleed than be without her
Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears
Replaced with lackluster memories you cry
Your screams play in your empty room.

Why do you have to drink so much? I’m stuck in the studio day and night and I come home to you drunk…again. It actually hurts me to see you like that, my heart bleeds. You promise time and time again you won’t do it, time and time again your there eyes rolling, swaying. Your eyes wont even meet mine when I try and ignore it to talk to you. I cry and I bleed for you to stop. Do you love it more than me? My friends think I don’t deserve you but I always stick up for you. They call you names and I’m there defending you. My family even hate to see you like that. So why? Please tell me? I beg and I scream for it. But you don’t hear it. My screams are empty, in my empty life.

I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I've got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in
And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell to far this time

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in
Everything about you so deep
I can't sleep
I can't think
I just
Think about the things that you do
You do
I'm too lost in you.

You press me down into the crisp cold white sheets, your drunk again so your touches are rough and quick. I feel like I repulse you, I can’t help but turn my head away. You kiss me and I can taste that sickly beer you drink there. But I let you continue, you don’t even prep me like you do when your sober. You just thrust in and keep going. I have to bite my lip. It hurts too much, I know I could make you stop. I’m Matt Shadows, I’m big and I’m tough but your under my skin and in my head and I could never hurt you. I sigh as you release and pull out…ripping yourself from my body. I know I repulse you. My body is less than perfect and you hate me for it. I’m sorry, I try but I always fail. I’d do anything for you. I’m yours forever.

Make it new, but stay in the lines.
Just let go, but keep it inside.
Smile big for everyone,
Even when you know what they’ve done.
They gave you the end but not where to start;
Not how to build, how to tear it apart.

So tell it all and fill up the air,
But make it loud 'cause nobody’s there
And nobody’s there
And nobody’s there.

I put on one of those big dimple filled smiles for the cameras, can they see it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I go with the show, whatever they say. On my own I scream, out in the harsh light of day I’m lost. I know the end but not the rest. I know all this will end. You and I, the band, the music, but you can’t hear me screaming for help. Your not there, nobody’s there.

My angel?

Tonight she turned out to be my darkest enemy. She is drunk again. This isn't the first time or the second or the third...no my "angel" is a glorified...wearing the t-shirt...number one member of The Alcoholics Society. I wouldn't even call her AA it would be an insult to the members. I probably seem like I'm being harsh to my other half but seriously after just finishing a seven hour shift, I turned up...at the pub to her out of her face. Not funny drunk either slurring, swaying, lying drunk. "I'm tired" So am I! I work 39 hours she works 16 hours if she's lucky. So I've worked it out theres 168 hours in one week. 60 hours she sleeps. 16 hours she works. she spends 56 hours per week in the pub. thats nearly two and a half days straight she spends drinking. thats not including the odd hours when we go for meals or at home when she has a can here and there. 8 hours per day she chooses to be there. So anyway back to this evening....I brought her home thinking that would be the best but no. She got through the door ok. She went to the bathroom and fell over. My dad has gone past mad...past angry. I swear he would have punched me a new one if he could have done. My mom was so disappointed and I just broke down crying. Am I selfish? I've tried to help her for over a year. She's lied. She takes my money and drinks it. I love her. I swear I do but she's killing me. I dont sleep. I dont eat. I work and do what she wants because if I dont...I feel guilty. I swear to you I do. If I had any...balls I would have taken her home. But I dont. I'll suffer the consequences for her. I'll beg and plead and cry for her. Thats what you do right for the one you love. Maybe I feel guilty. She said I wouldnt have to see her again. Thats what makes me cry. Thats what makes me feel....like I'm evil. But I feel like I'm worthless to her. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am....

Can it be possible to have your life turned around on you in less than a minute?

The song says so. In a New York minute...but what about here in England?

My girlfriend told me a lie, one year ago she let me believe I wasn't alone. That I could get over it. I did. Thanks to her but now one year ago exactly could I unravel? I'm over him but not the event. I will never get over that, but seeing her strong made me believe. I had hope. But hope can be crushed. The ribbon with her name on held my heart together with hope.

I can feel it. Slowly starting to unthread. Actually feel my heart breaking slowly in two.

My family own my head. They have my heart. My soul is the survivour but only time will take that too. Only time until I become the empty shell, the ghost of me.

I am who I am?

Mind? Scared. Forgiving. Screwed.

Body? Fat. Ugly. Tattoo'd.

Soul? Less. Unworthy. Forgotten.

My family are something else, they really are. Really I couldn't ask for more. I can go where I want if they say it's allowed. I can do what I want if they say it's allowed. I can be who ever I want... if they say it's allowed.

I love tattoo's. They are ... me. I only have four. A star on my shoulder, a piece of script on the bottom of my back and two- one in each crock of my elbow. Tonight my father saw my newest ones in the crocks of my elbow. He called me cheap and tacky. They were neither cheap nor tacky. (one says "hart" and the other says "deth". Some of you may appreciate that.)

I do what they ask, I have a job with little prospects but its the one he chose. I have the car he wanted me too. I am who they ask me to be. I am who they made me to be. At home. It's the place where I say nothing. Do nothing. Am nothing.

But when I'm with my love. I have passion, life. I am who you will see in my writing and my pictures. My life is the world I live in...in my heart. My head is nothing but the blank canvas they write upon.

I have a song, it's to myself and anyone else who lives like this.




I don't own this video and I am not the artist. I just like the song.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I wont risk loosing my family and friends.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I’m a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to teach me a lesson